She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
this hospital has no fireball
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Randomize
