my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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