nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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