So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
he's gonorrhea incarnate
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
