I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
