I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
