i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
