I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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