my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
