I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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