3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
