If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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