Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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