Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
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