38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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