My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize