Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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