TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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