I smell stomach acid.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
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