he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Randomize
