Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
