you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
