Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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