God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize