i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
