He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
