oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Randomize
