I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
