we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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