I'm gonna have a badass scar
Buhtt sex?
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
