We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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