does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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