Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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