Kareoke will never be a sober sport
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Randomize
