i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Randomize
