Your mouth is God's brothel.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
