it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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