I can text with my tongue
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
