do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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