I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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