Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
