Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
