Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
