Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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