he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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