Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Randomize
