ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
