I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
