We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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