I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Randomize
