I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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