I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize