my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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