Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
