I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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