Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
