My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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