I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
