I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
