you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
