I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
